Needobear

I'm a Slacker Apparently

Thanks to W1ntermute for this one.

Airbrushing Over Harrison Fraud

"Non-evasive facial augmentation shot first."

"Not his fault."

"I thought they looked bad.. on the outside."

Zombie Survival Tactics - Expert Advice

This week, Tom (Mr) Whipple from The Time's Eureka science suppliment wrote an article in which Infectious Disease Researchers at the University of Ottawa were asked, "What would happen if reanimated corpses were able to spread their voodoo affliction by attacking the living?"

The answer?

As a zombie does not die of his or her condition then, "Since all eigenvalues of the doomsday equilibrium are negative, it is asymptotically stable. It follows that, in a short outbreak, zombies will likely infect everyone... Only merciless violence will save humanity."

Got Wood?

Click here to double-check.

"What the fuck did I do?"

BBC's Antiques Roadshow is the fat momma...

BBC's Antiques Roadshow is the fat momma to ITV's ugly, deformed daughter they call "The X-Factor".

If you think that the current televisual trend for sneering at undeserving & misguided scum-bags is a modern phenomenon - think again.

Who hasn't tuned in to Antiques "fucking" Roadshow before see the smile wiped off the face of some smug well-to-do when they realise that the BBC's experts have just valued their loot at £20 rather than the £20,000 they had in mind.  Similarly, for decades we've loved the moments when a bin-man from Preston empties his belly-button lint out into the palm of our resident expert to find that his acidic-fluff is worth £700k.

Apart from this, BBC's Antiques Roadshow serves no other purpose other than to have something to illuminate the front room while the whole family sleepily farts out their Sunday Roast.  Modern, energy-efficient LCD television helps lowers our carbon footprint, while Antiques Roadshow increases the methane footprint to near-poisonous levels.

The beauty of using a lap top on Sunday evenings is that when one is so thoroughly bored with the state of the television in front of them; placing the lap top on one's knees and lifting it to cover your view of the TV can convince the us that we have recently invested in a net-enabled, mp3 playing, HD-ready, porn box with keyboard.

Albeit with the room stinking of faeces and the theme-tune to Antiques Roadshow playing in the background.

In case you or Kotakunt missed it...you didn't!

Driving around some fields for the benefit of a filthy foreigner, I took the opportunity to fill up some CDs for the road trip. During my 12 twelve mix tape compilation session, I stumbled upon and burned "30 years of hip-hop in 60 seconds" By Jaguar Skillz. The scope of this mix is utterly preposterous and should be grabbed quickfast, especially as it's free from his blog.

The "30 years" track led me to the two-part two-hour mp3 entitled "The Jaguar Skillz Computer Game Shoooooo!" done for the Wireless Beeb when they were running a really embarrassing VG season. It's music and it's awesome awesome awesome and goes on and on and on. Like the "30 years" track, the momentum is ruthless, never letting up or drawing breath and they make you want to get the fuck out of work and straight into gridlocked traffic, windows wound down, farting, smoking and jerking the volume up fullbest.

Part One has some funny Hip-Hop 8-bit interpretations (Goldigger and Ridin' Dirty are great), some SF and an OutRun Arcade OST mix in pt2. Sonic is in there - and an oddly down-lifting sub-smashing dubstepping Super Mario - nuff said. LINK HERE and click on the big image.

Part Two. Sounds like he may have had a hand in some of the GTA infomercials or nicked them, maybe and Cassette boy, or nicked off them, or something Warning: contains Trevor Nelson. And "Name that sample", Used the text up already. LINK HERE for a big number two.

Gross

Just off to give em a brush. (balls)

1vs100 - Number 1 Champion - The Evidence..

The mighty HamHock does it again... and they doubt the validity of my 1vs100 answering skills..

After collecting my copy of PuzzleQuest and 800pts I subsequently rewarded myself with this poor image.

Feather or Furry

If ever there was a feather definitely tickling my heart it was hers.
Whenever I sensed her dense fur it lured me to take comfort and shelter
from cold and fright in lonely nights when the bed bugs bite.

The grandeur of her fur was so fine, (unlike mine) luxurious and pure
sent me to a place far from her where fairy and sprites dance in the night
to the songs sung long and soft by the very furry for who I did care.

The singing princess for who I did obsess her melody softened my thoughts
cut short by the beauty of the royalty, Princess of Pixies,
the women who sent me dizzy with delight grew me a stupid smile on my face
looking far off to a low place my mind where the best princess is kind
and held me to her breast and never let go.

With a furry so perfect and smart when dark times come
and the clouds did part with thunder and lightening and rain pouring down
all I ask for is that furry stayed mine.

A perfect situation where everything is furry
broke my heart in two in a hurry
brought tears down my cheeks and rage in my veins
for any pain which i brought to the frame
all working to burn against the feather or fur tickling my heart.

Slow News Days - an old OFFS post

Slow news days get on my fucking tits. There's no such thing as a slow news day nowadays, just a lazy journalist day. Yesterday, on the BBC News website, one of the top stories beggared belief. TOP FUCKING STORIES. It was about an old man who farts.

I kid you not. The story was about a Mr Maurice Fox who was sent a letter, banning him from farting in a Sports and Social Club. A letter. To a farty old man.

It's what old men do. They fart. It's not news. The jobs-worth in the Social club is not news. Unless it's in my free local rag, or in a commercial newspaper, it's not fucking news.

My fucking taxes paid for this lazy West Country Journalist to interview an old man who farts whom now has it in writing that he guffs. The journalist couldn't even get the fucking Social Club to comment. What's the goddamn point of writing the letter in the first place

Apparently he spends two days a week at the nearby Palace Place Club and has had no complaints. Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhh who cares!!!! Who fucking Cares!!! Who? Who?

Apparently the BBC Journalist spends two days a week rubbing his cock instead of actually doing some state-paid journalism. Fuck me days.

I have no problem with regional programming, but if I'm paying for it? Stop taking the piss. They even sent the Tax-Fueled photographer round to take this shot.:

Hello there, I'm the news you know.
I'm old and I drop my guts.

Well done.

But wait. One of the "Top Devon Stories" as of today, is a waste of ink entitled "Cake Treat For Gorilla's Birthday". Wow. Thanks. NewsRound this ain't for fuck's sake. It's NewsSquare and I require four sides of solid investigation with all angle at 90 degrees. Cunts.

Hey some more Devon Top News: "Navy Sex Assault Inquiry Closed.... because of lack of evidence" Great. Maybe we should demand that BBC.CO.UK/DEVON should be fucking closed due to lack of fucking facts.

Hang-on REAL NEWS.... "A 16 year old girl was hit by a bus.....her injuries are unknown, but her family have been informed." Informed of what? Uncertainty? Unknowns?

FUCKING KNOW THE UNKNOWNS NOW!!! I BOSS YOU!!! I AM THE NEWS LORD!! FACT ME!! FACT ME!!!

1 vs 100

Even after my Aston Villa failure last week, I really did get 10th on the Footy quiz you know. Out of 61,000. With over 200k points you know. Need evidence? OK it looks like it says "DrHomHack" but forget the fact I was rushing to capture Bob's I mean MY success before the screen closed. Errr.

Two fingers dipped in the Chocolate.

"It's a little bit of what you fancy". Unlike it's yummy chocolate bar the Kinda Bueno website is guaranteed to make you vomit into your mouth. Especially the section where one can hover the cursor over "FANCY THAT!!" making the host tell the ladies to, "Take a pole and tell us 'Who, What and When' ". :o

CLICK HERE......Warning: Contains Excrement...

The content is way more sordid, suggestive and offensive than anything involving a midget Filipino rent boy or a symbiotic bike-penis. Go On. Click it.

Nintendo's Got Balls

Interesting find yesterday.....



What was once a freebie from some godforsaken games magazine now faces me as an immortal plastic beach ball from 2005. It's only ever been inflated once in it's life and that was over four years ago.

Sitting in a dirty and damp corner of my house, Nintendo yet again prove that they are kings of build quality and longevity. Albeit only in the free plastic inflatables market, rather than games consoles and peripherals.

Great for a game of headers & volleys and now the only Nintendo product I play OUTSIDE of the poo-pan.