**UPDATED** EBAY QUESTION.....

(Two auctions, two matching lamps 99p each, delivery £7.50 each, location is just up the road from the surgery)

*Hi there Aidan Lucky Sevens,
Would you take an offer for the two lamps (matching bar and circle style)? My newly decorated kitchen has asked me to get some bargainous lamps for it's ceiling.
Dr Hamhock

*No probs,
try a figure as I can combine postage which I reckon would be £10 for the pair
Aidan

*Hi
Do you accept collections on your products?
Dr Hamhock

*possibly,
but both myself and the other half work late and weekends so are hardly ever at home, so much easier to post !
Aidan

*Dear Aidan
Is that a Nes or a Yo? Or a Maybibly?
Dr Hamhock

**DR HAMHOCK YOU HAVE NOW WON THE AUCTION**

*No,
will have to post out as me and my partner will be away and both are never at home. So will have to post i'm afraid
Aidan

*Hi Aidan,
That's fine. I can wait until the next time it is convenient.
Please advise how you would like the payment to be made.
Should you have any further queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Dr Hamhock

*No probs,
have left with my parents to post. If you can pay by paypal, will arrange for them to post immediately.
Kind regards
Aidan

*Dear Aidan,
This is abviously not "Eccellente".
Like a Ferrero Rocher Ambassador, my buying is noted in eBay society for it's exquisite feedback. But I'm afraid, you're not "really spoiling me".
I don't make a habit of winding up sellers, far from it, and when I'm told I can "possibly" collect, only to be told "no" after actually winning the items, I naturally assume something more sinister is at work. Even more sinister than the abomination of a sweet crunchy shell surrounding a nutty liquid chocolate centre.
Please advise how we can resolve this matter amicably.
Should you have any further queries, please do not hesitate to contact me at any time.
Dr Hamhock

*Dear Dr HamHock
Whilst I appreciate your comments, I suggested that I MAY be willing to have the buyer collect, however, you made a bid where the auction CLEARLY stated £7.50 postage and packing per items. You've got two lights for 99p each, if you want to buy thems, then please pay £16.98 via Paypal and I will gladly send them out, wrapped in Ferrero Rocher gold wrappers if you prefer. If you don't want to buy them and pay the postage as you committed in your bid, then thats fine, I will just relist them. I don't really mind either way.
Regards
Aidan

*Dear Aidan,
Thank you for your swift and informative response.
As a good-will gesture (and to avoid a smear of poo on my perfect record) I will honour the £1.98 selling price to cover your costs, as I cannot smell the value in £15 worth of carriage. This will allow you to re-list the items.
I hope this is a satisfactory conclusion to events.
Kind regards
Dr Hamhock

*Dear Dr Hamhock
Frankly, am not that bothered about your £1.98 and have duly refunded it.
Aidan


"AIDAN - Don't die of ingorance"

Good Question

QUESTION FOR EBAY SELLER #3

*hi
how much would you charge to rugby
thanks gary

*Hi Gary,
Not as much as I would to football!! haha.
Only kidding.
Chortle.
£17.50
I hope this is fair and should you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards
Dr Hamhock

London 2012's new brand and vision was launched today

"The new Olympic emblem is based on the number 2012 - the year the Games take place and includes the Olympic Rings and the word London."
When it comes to approaching design and planning like a GCSE Design project, no-one does it better than UK.gov. Congratulations, you complete set of fucking tools.

"The same image with the Paralympic agitos is used for the London 2012 Paralympic Games - the first time the Olympic and Paralympic emblems for a Games have been based on the same core shape."
What they are trying to say is that the athletes are different shapes to start with, often resembling a crumpled-up, incoherent and embarrassing version of the able-bodied athletes. Hence the crippled and confused looking new logo, soon to be found wandering around municipal parkland on Thursdays, rocking back-and-forth while shouting nonsense at itself, pigeons and terrified old ladies. Can we have an able-bodied logo now please?

"Available in four colours – pink, blue, green and orange - the new emblem is modern and will be dynamic, evolving in the years between now and 2012."
Meaning that they know it's of dog-shit and will need to sort it out well before the 2012 branded mugs, teabags and turdpaper go on sale. It's nice we're being shown a first draft. It's almost like the public are being involved.

"It symbolises the Olympic spirit and the ability of the Games to inspire people to take part - not just as spectators, but as volunteers, in the Cultural Olympiad and more."
Translation - we need some volunteer idiots to be "inspired" to undertake inspirational voluntary work such as:
a) Picking up burger wrappers.
b) Cleaning human poo off of the stadium toilet walls.
c) Fluffing the greasy oars of Team GB's rowers.
d) Wearing a branded pack-a-mack and crying, while standing in torrential rain knowing the raindrops will hide your miserable tears, all this while 600 TV cameras point at you mockingly with studio-based sport's commentators pissing themselves at your sad and lonely commitment to sport. A worldwide mockery in 300 languages to 1.8 Billion viewers.
e) Telling ticket holders to politely "shit-off" when asked for directions
f) Being told to "go fuck yourself" every time you politely instruct people to stop smoking / stop talking / stop standing / stop eating / stop swearing.

For those who have recently swallowed poisonous household cleaning products, or simply need a little bulimic prompting, please feel free to read the whole vomit-inducing press release here.

QUESTION FOR EBAY SELLER #2

*Hi
Is the mower self-propelled? Does it leave stripes?
many thanks
Catherine


*Hi Catherine.
The Mower is correctly listed as a "PUSH" type and mower is not self propelled (I wish it was, as they appear to be in demand by the lazy gardeners of the UK).
As for stripes, I found out today that the "roller", found on older machines, has been replaced by a heavy flap, which "wipes" the grass, giving that "Wembley" look. You can see this on the rear photo.
My last mower (a 1980's version of this one) did not have this new fangled technology!!!
I updated my description to more accurately to inform anyone bidding.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards
Dr Hamhock

*Thanks for getting back to me.
I'll probably need some mechanical assistance, not normally 'lazy' but convalescing after an op so could do with some helpful horsepower!
Catherine


*Kind words Catherine,
I do hope you recover quickly so you will have plenty of time to trim your bushy back garden.
My apologies if I offended you as you are obviously not a lazy person.
A self-propelled machine will definitely help, especially with uphill gardening.
If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Very nice speaking with you and good luck.
Dr Hamhock

QUESTION FOR EBAY SELLER #1

*Hello,
Please will you consider an offer for the Mower as I need a one sooner than nine days and this one looks the right one that I am looking for.
Best Regards,
Norman.



Hi Norman,
Thank you for the offer of unknown proportions.
Not truly knowing the value of the mower, and in fairness to the many peadople watching the listing, I could do with leaving the auction open for the full duration.
Please feel free to bid through the auction itself, and you might even find that you win it for less than you thought!
Another option would be to draw the curtains of any windows overlooking your garden. This would offer a metaphysical solution to your mowing problems and might give you peace of mind to hang on the nine days or so. Only kidding!
I hope this helps.
Kind regards,
Dr Hamhock

The Crowcifixion

Above his head they placed the written charge against him: THIS IS WORZEL, THE KING OF THE SCARECROWS. Two robbers were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left. Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, "You who are going to destroy the farm and build it in three days, save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!". In the same way the robbers who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.


From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Worzel cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "Aunt Sally, Aunt Sally, it's me rheumaticky eyes what's waterin'?"

When some of those standing there heard this, they said, "He's calling The Crowman."

Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with tea, put it on a saucer, and offered it to Worzel to drink. The rest said, "Now leave him alone. Let's see if The Crowman comes to save him."

And when Worzel had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

At that moment Ten Acre Field was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The barns broke open and the paper mache heads of many scarecrows who had died were raised to life. They came out of the barns, and after Worzel's resurrection they went into the field and appeared to many people.

When Jolly Jack and those with him who were guarding Worzel saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "He is the Son of God!".

Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Worzel from Scatterbrook Farm to care for his needs. Among them were Dolly Clothes-Peg, Saucy Nancy the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's sons.

As evening approached, there came a rich man from Scatterbrook Farm, named Mr Peters, who had himself become a disciple of Worzel. Going to Jolly Jack, he asked for Worzel's body, and Jolly Jack ordered that it be given to him. The Crowman took the body, wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, and placed it in his own new tomb that he had cut out of the rock. He rolled a big stone in front of the entrance to the tomb and went away.