Nintendo Safeguarding our Comedy - Rated R

Nintendo's Wii owners recently saw a free "product" made available to them called "Check Mii Out". This quite frankly hilarious node allows wii owners to anonymously submit the user-created characters into competitions or simply for perusal by other Wii users, who in turn can download the creations to their consoles.

Nintendo is noted for it's strict online safety regulations and, in the usual way, has put the "Check Mii Out" interface in the envelope. There is no way of naming, or putting ownership to the uploaded Miis and they are only categorised using Gender and Talent, along with an initial to represent the name. This is to avoid possible transfer of a child's (or adult's for that matter) personal information and to keep offensive words and imagery out of the the happy happy fluffy Wii world.

While browsing some of the amazing creations on the "Check Mii Out Channel" one character "stuck out" from the other, randomly selected Miis. His face was designed to resemble not that of a man nor woman, but of another creature, probably not of this Earth. His initials were, interestingly "D.H." Can you guess what the initials stood for?

I think some clever so and so managed to slip this one through the Nazintendo Road Block. It's a cock and his name is Richard Head; in case the lobvious simply isn't lobvious enough.
Following this revelation I utilised the built-in facility known as "Call Friends" which will search for SIMILAR THEMED / NAMED MII'S.

Suddenly the shitty search facility is right on the money. Infact, as you will see in the following images, it's right on the money shot. I love Nintendo. Here's Dickhead's friends for your viewing pleasure.....

A motley crew, lead by what looks like Dr Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppet Show.
Let's have closer look.... meep meep meep

Ah, no, I was wrong. It's not Dr Bunsen Honeydew.
It's a big cock and balls. :(

Here's a "friend". "Mr Richard Face". He's pastey like me.
The sack area appears to be in "Winter Sports" mode.

Wey Aye!!! Another Richard Heed. This time he's "crying".
Poor Richard. We are crying too.
Frantically crying.

Another friend, Mr David Hunt appears to have a Lunar Orbiter attached to his chin.
See that little "droplet"? That's the moon.
His favorite position is Space Missionary.

"Mr Dick King" displays a lovely abstract representation of his local Mosque.
Or it could just be a big cock and balls.
Hmm

Meet "Mr David Hall",
with a face resembling a Penile Pachinko machine.

Dear God.

Mr "Abd Allah ibn 'Abd al-Muttalib" tells it like it is...

"Son, what have I told you about causing trouble at school?
Your mums are all speechless. We're so disappointed.
As punishment, we're going to cancel that caravaning holiday you've so been looking forward to"

Winter Danglers

Like arsegrapes, they appears swiftly and silently overnight, revealing themselves at the first sign of a cold snap, dangling painfully, looking loosely attached but if you gave them a tug, one would find that many have been there since last year: their roots just hidden away from view.

Sticking out like a sack of sore thumbs, bringing them to one's lips a sour taste would be left. It hurts to think of what evil force create these hanging disasters, let alone how one would remove them silently and quickly.

Arsegrapes, Haemorrhoids, Grapenuts, Asteroids, Nurembergs (Trials), Bum Dumplings, Gentleman's Grapes, Arseticles whatever one calls them, Christmas Decorations should stay right up the arse of the scummers until mid December at the very earliest.

I took this photo last year....these cunts hung their Malformed Cuntinsel ON OR BEFORE THE 10TH OF NOVEMBER!!!!! Imagine living next door to these imbeciles?! Imaging living next door to that shit for 60 days of the year. For 1/6 of a year? Peace be with you, oh dwellers of Sandwell (or wherever it was)....

Please hold back on this torture, if only because my birthday is in early December *sobs*

Sautez Sur la Pipe et Abaissez Pour Entrer

Je prie de différer. C'est en effet une pipe et il vous porte à un endroit où les loutres tirent le sperme. Parfois.

Ils sont, des "Consoles et Conkers"
Ils sont, les "Imbéciles sont Bonkers"
Leur, "Carsales sont Tonka's"
et "Confit sont Wonka's"

N-Gage !

"N-Gage!! I say, Data - this communicator is malfunctioning."

"It appears there is a substantial video game anomaly in this post, Captain Picard *twitch*"

NEWS - PS3 game Haze pulled.

Today game developer Free Radical Design have had to recall "several hundred thousand" copies of it's newest game from stores around the country due to what it is calling a "Packaging Irregularity".

This highly anticipated game, one of a long line of established First Person Shooters, has had nothing but trouble since it's official announcement at E3 in 2005. The impact of this latest problem will have massive effect on it's sales, particularly when Free Radical were relying heavily upon a healthy November / December launch in time for the festive holidays.

What is not known is quite what details caused the game to be removed and re-packaged. In recent months there have been other high-profile last-minute-withdrawals, with some in-game content alleged to contain racism and even jibes at the disabled.

Ubisoft, who publish Haze have forwarded the new artwork with an accompanied press release, to go someway to calm the baying fans and journalists alike. The release is as follows:



Wednesday 15th November 2007

Dear Haze Fans,

It is with regret that, here at Ubisoft, we have been forced to take the decision to re-package the Free Radical Blockbuster "Haze". As we are currently consulting legal help on this matter and with this action being somewhat out of our control, we cannot go into much detail at this present time, other than to guarantee that the game WILL release on schedule and the game WILL be the same build.

• Increase prime manufacturing efficiency
• Reduce the direct costs
• Improve overall demand management.
• Raise service response levels to current market.
• Shorten the artwork change cycle.
• Reduce dramatically the costs of obsolescence.
• More value from the current packaging investments
• Improve product security
• Cut packaging waste

Like you all, we are looking forward to what will be a defining moment for the PS3.

(We enclose the new launch material)

Kind regards

David Yarold
Ubisoft Communications

New Packaging courtesy of UbiSoft / Free Radical Design.

Mathmatical Review #1 - "30 Days of Night"

John Carpenter's thilm thing, "The Thing".
Because it's cold. And has Beards.
And it's about a thing which changes you to a similar thing to "the thing" using it's intergalactic skills.
And 100 gallons of Albert Whitlock's rubber latex.
Ah and some dogs get deathed to dead.

+"Fargo"
Because it's cold.
And some people die.
But not because it's cold.
Because someone cold deaths them to death.

x

"Night of the Living Dead"
AKA, "Shed of the Dead"
AKA, "Shack Attack"

+

The old trick of, "It's for my cancers".

+

The nonthreatening Danny Huston.
He could be your special uncle.
Who only comes to visit you in the night.

+

Marilyn Monsoon, but not his dwarf wife.

+

Nosferatu and his dead fiddler

+

Chris and Sony's Bug Eyed "Meentil Weelth" Bitch

+

A little bit of Klingon plucked from the Star Trek arse.
Hcla Kgh!!!

+

Chris Cunningham's skinny granny shouter.

+

A bearded loner.
Who's not skinny and probably doesn't shout at grannies.

x

With a secret penchant for suicide missions.

=

Where's Diwali?

KP Crisps

No matter how many people we meet or how many stories we hear, we are never prepared for the person next to you in the queue. Never wise to the acts or actions of the person next door. Never protected by our senses from strangers in the street.
We can never expect the twitching of the lifeless, never knowing the rules to which everyone else might work to. Never knowing the rules that the agenda-less do not work to. We can never be wise enough or experienced enough to know what is tumbling around the head of old friends or new fiends. Never trained enough to grasp the complicated connections of electricity surging through another person's brain.
We can never know whether the insides reflect the outsides. We cannot see into a packet of crisps without splitting the packaging open. We can only take a guess at the internal state by carefully analysing the exterior, but even then it could just be a load of gas.
We can never know how much of the contents are broken if any at all. We can never know who has handled the packet or how it was handled throughout it's life. Only on opening do we understand the journey the bag has taken.
Only then do we find out whether it's KP crisps or just plain nuts.

The Waiting Room Pays Tribute to Halloween

Search Words

Hello

Sometimes Dr Hock's Waiting Room becomes self aware. This is normally a temporary problem and the technicians often have it sorted within a couple of hours. In the meantime, here's a few hits this place has received recently via search engines.

What worries me more is not the fact people are searching for the (concerning) phrases in the first place, but the worry is that Dr Hock's Waiting Room came up as a search result. In a "tip of the hat" to Something Awful, here's a few real search words which let the (innocent) Google users into the surgery.

Toodle Pip.

(Technician's Voice) "There he is, GET THE CUNT"