Blips - The First Book of Video Game "Funnies" (1983) #1

Here's the first in a series of excruciatingly unfunny pages from "The First book of Video Game Funnies", penned originally by an unfunny man called "Jovial Bob Stine".

Maybe I'm being a little harsh, but the ancient tome which is about to be put under my scanner is very much a victim of the culture of videogames and the videogame market: fast moving, ultra trendy, ultra fanatic, uber fickle. The resultant "comedy" is formed from it's embarrassingly old references and the fact it was originally published in a country more famous for cheeseburgers than one-liners.

For the more youthful, ignorant and attention deficit of you, please note that when the "jokes" refer to the "coins" or "quarters", it's referring to a moment in the dark ages of gaming when people left their homes to play video games.

Also if you're confused about the use of the term "can of soda" it means "can of soda". Before multinationals became too lazy to be bothered to distinguish between "American't English" and English, and localise products accordingly, we would have called it a "can of pop" or "orangeade" and saved the bottletops for a 10p return. Thankfully all you cretins born too late to be useful will be quite used to the terms "soda", "color", "math", "Will. I. Am" and "jerk-offs".

And that's just the front cover.

More hilarity next time as we try to slowly post the whole horrible mess, page by page before someone gets the hump over copyright infringement.

"Soul Bubbles" for DS

Welcome to the opening screen from "Soul Bubbles"by Eidos for the (what the) Nintendon't (do) DS. That right, the opening screen, not hidden in the credits. Not slyly left to "unlock" after completing 10 hours of bubble blowing, slicing and guiding. Click on the fella and have a closer look.

Is this a victory for common sense?....Is this a victory for the Blue Skies in Games Campaign at UKR?......Is this just a piss take?

Does anyone who buys a game called "Soul Bubbles" really expect a free-roaming "glandbox" game revolving around a Hispanic G-Star named El-Biro who gets his kicks from rutting polygonal whores, running awkwardly away from their exploding car in a Versace suit and Adidas Samba, while Phil Fucking Collins plays on repeat?

Maybe we expected a pan-held bubble car racing game called "My Gran's Turismo": racing round the Low Speed Ring in the glamorous Messerschmitt KR175 or wizzing round the Grandma Valley Speedway in the powerful but elegant BMW Isetta 300 or even cruising around the Grindelwald McDonalds Drive Through in a tricked-up Messerschmitt Kabinenroller KR 200.

There is a possibility that the demented consumer (ie 95% of the country) may confuse this title with the beat-em-up "Soul Edge" involving a guy's Hwang and it's battle with a rubber-fetishist called Voldo. "Transcending history and the world, a tale of Hwangers and Rubber, eternally retold."

We await the release of the (not yet planned) sequel "Our Soul Bubbles" and a suitable disclaimer with it too. Please don't let us down.

Complaint #2

Loyal Bank of Scotchland
15 High Street
Ipswich
IP33 7TH

Wednesday 18th June 2008



Dear Mr Thornton,

I'm writing to express my distrust and embarrassment with your Loyal Bank of Scotchland and the service I have had over the last year: In particular, the service you yourself have tried to provide.

My mortgage was taken out successfully with your company last year, with a view to buying a small kitten-shaped house just off the Hampshire coast. During the process of finalizing the sale, the mortgage was issued for the correct amount and the property was purchased. My complaint is that the Kitten-House was not exactly as your survey suggested and due to this oversight by your company my life has been a living hell. With the emphasis on "been, "a", "living" and "hell".

It appeared that the furry-home was in fact a sentient being: a complete and fully matured domestic cat, 60ft tall, weighing 100 tonnes, fully carpeted with gas central heating, and filled with cheap IKEA furniture and a nostalgic but worthless record collection.

Over the last year it has developed a habit of wandering around in the night bounding after crazy-golf parks and airplanes like some kind of furry, playful Godzilla, only to return in the early-hours to its resting position of 32 St Johns Road, Portsmouth, where it skillfully mimicked the odd, but sought after look of a two-story semi-detached tabby with ginger and white furry driveway.

While one can adapt to this ever changing feline-abode, your survey did not pick-up on the fact that every 2 weeks my house coughs-up 10ft balls of weapons grade cat hair, which is becoming increasing more difficult and dangerous to dispose of. Particularly with Mr Jenkins (of no.30 St Johns Road) being quite the nosey-curtain-peeper his is.

Mr Jenkins even had the audacity to pop a note through the door a few weeks ago saying, "please do not park your irradiated cat-hair on the path, it is illegal under section 33 of the highways act to block a public footpath".

As you can see this is causing me a lot of bother and could have been avoided had your surveys been carried out in the thorough manner in which you stated they would.

I await you swift reply and hope that you can offer a resolution to this terrible problem. Must dash, Mr Jenkins is knocking at the front maw. Our tail has blocked his Ford Tigre in and he's having kittens.

Kind Regards

Dr H Hock MD

D.W.A. Democrats With Attitude

[Bill "Sleazy-E" Clinton]
Oh, shit. I guess there's one less bitch you gotta worry about, Barack.

[Dr Hamhock]
Let's describe a certain female. A female with the disease of character
and attitude. If you will, a snob. However, in a view of DWA...

[Ice Obama]
Hillary's a bitch
I'm not poor I'm rich
I talk in an ethnic pitch
Now, the title bitch don't apply to all women
But all women have a little bitch in 'em
It's like a disease that's plagues their character
Takin' politicians of America
And it starts with a letter B
It makes a girl like her think "vice-presidency"
See, some get mad and some just bury
But, yo, if the cigar fits wear it
It makes 'em go deaf in the ear, that's why
when you say 'hi' she won't say 'hi'
Are you the kind that think you're too damn fly?
Bitch eat shit 'n die
Ice Obama nominated at crazy pitch
(Why?) I think Hillary's a bitch

[Hillary]
'Who the fuck you think you're callin' a bitch you sorry little muthafucka?
I dunno who the fuck you think you're talkin' to. Let me tell you one
muthafuckin' thang, I'm not a...'

[Bill "Sleazy-E" Clinton]
'Bitch, shut the fuck up.'

[Ice Obama]
Yo, you can tell a nominee that's out for the money
She plays the race-card and the bitch look funny
She ain't no dummy she's right and conniving
Yo bitch, fuck when I'm driving
See a young nigga that's striving
You're thru' without your auto-cue
That's why Bill's bitch is a bitch I guess
or ether P-M-S
Here, test the girl that's kinda snobby
And I bet you dissing niggas is her hobby
And after she finished the test
Write's her name as "B-I-T-C-H"
And watch her lose votes 'cause she know it's true
But a nigga like me, I say 'fuck you'
Do like Obama, slam her ass in a ditch
'Cause Hillary Clinton's a bitch

[Hillary]
"Why I got to be a bitch?"
[Ice Obama]
I ain't call you no bitch
If you'd listen to a goddamn song it'd tell you what a bitch is
[Hillary]
"Fuck the song cause I'm not no muthafuckin bitch"
[Ice Obama]
I didn't say you was a bitch
If you stopped actin like a goddamn bitch
[Hillary]
"Fuck you, lil punk-ass lil nigga!"
[Ice Obama]
Fuck you, bitch!
"Fuck you! Who the fuck you think you are?"
Little sorry-ass scandalous-ass ho
[Hillary]
"Yeah I'ma bring ma bitch"
[Ice Obama]
Fuck you! Suck my dick, bitch!
Bill's scandalous-ass doody dogg breath smoking...

[Ice Obama]
I once had a rival who got slack
Cause she played me, like she was all that
A bitch can be Bill's best friend fuckin' behind your back
While Bill's working late with Monica on his lap
Look at your votes for me
Now do they fail, categorically?
Are you the kind that won't blink
Cause you don't think, your policies stink?
Lucky I haven't had a drink
Cause I'd down you ass, then I'd clown your ass
Cause the niggas I hang with are rich
We'll all say "She's such a bitch!"
Now, what I can do with a ho like you
Bend your ass over and then I'm through
Cause you see Obama ain't takin' no shit
Cause I think, Hillary's a bitch

[Dr Hamhock]
There you have it - the description of a bitch
Now ask yourself, are they talking about you?
Are you that funky, dirty, money-hungry, scandalous
stuck-up, hair piece contact wearing bitch?
Yep, you probably are - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!

[Bill "Sleazy-E" Clinton]
Bitch"